FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened