Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.