I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
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Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone