Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
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My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
A choir of Spring onions
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.