Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Seas the day!!!!
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay