I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.