beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
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The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
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Dead:
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me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”