Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
That was easy.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
What flavor cupcake are these
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist