If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
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Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear