I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
This is a whole mood;
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.