a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of