I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
What if all the cashiers are married?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.