went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
You Might Also Like
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
True
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.