me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
my proudest tweet
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you