I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over