Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….