If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
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9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I’m giving up for Lent.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!