Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
You Might Also Like
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Phonetics
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH