I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
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*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
(yawn)
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.