I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
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I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there