You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
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[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
no one likes gloating