Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
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More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.