*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
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One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
it be like that
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
asked my bf how work was today
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it