Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Hot hot hot 🥵
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS