Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
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I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs