i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
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If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
asked my bf how work was today