Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
You Might Also Like
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
#CoronaOutbreak
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
We have a winner.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy