I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”