I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.