I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
You Might Also Like
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )