Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.