Smells like a challenge to me
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly