oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right