It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
You Might Also Like
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm