If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
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I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane