Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
You Might Also Like
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.