Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
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16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
hey, alexa
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.