I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.