My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
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My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers