going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
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I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?