People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
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Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
When you’re here for the treats.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Reporter: *ports again*
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump