Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Growing up was a huge mistake
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
He’s dead
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*