I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
August 8
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
another case of gang violins
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation