Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
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My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.