i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
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Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Namaste
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee