Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?