All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too