An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
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Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Friday night party time 🥳
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!