An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
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*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Why is everyone getting married at me
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish