Herpes is trending, good job people
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.